What To Watch: Global (Fall 2015)

Global’s ultimate goal, it seems, is to put everyone to sleep with a range of tired and really uninspired series. It’s procedurals galore with the NCIS and Chicago franchises AND The Blacklist AND Elementary AND Hawaii Five-O AND Bones. If that wasn’t more of the same, you’ve got Survivor, which is up to its ridiculous-sounding 31st season, and The Simpsons, which has been on the air since 1989. (Fun Fact: The Simpsons first hit the air four days after Taylor Swift was born. I bet a bunch of people feel old now.) We’re also getting not one, but two TV shows based on old movies everyone has forgotten about: Minority Report and Limitless. Global has the one-two punch snoozefests Madam Secretary and The Good Wife on Sunday, too. Despite all that, the network has the audacity to use “Extraordinary Lives Here” as its new slogan. You know, I think I’ve figured it out: Global hates us all.

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Sunday
7 Entertainment Tonight Border Security
7:30 Entertainment Tonight Canada Emergency
8 Supergirl (Nov.) NCIS Survivor Heroes Reborn Angel from Hell (Nov.)

Border Security

Madam Secretary
8:30 Truth Be Told
9 Minority Report NCIS: New Orleans Heartbreaker Chicago Fire The Blacklist Hawaii Five-0 The Good Wife
10 NCIS: Los Angeles Limitless Chicago PD Elementary (Nov.) Canadian Crime Stories

Bones

The Simpsons
10:30 The Simpsons

Note: I updated this on October 18 because Global randomly shuffled around some of their shows and CBS moved Angel from Hell to midseason

New Series:

Supergirl — Mondays at 8 p.m.

With all of the comic book shows on the air — Gotham, SHIELD, Agent Carter, The Flash, Arrow, (and that’s not even counting the slew of other ones on Netflix) — it looks like CBS decided to give one a go. Over on this side of the border, it seems like Global wants to try their hand at another one after Constantine fizzled out last season considering that CTV has had a lot of success with superhero shows.

You might be surprised to know that Supergirl made its way onto CBS as a hand-me-down from The CW. The green network decided against airing a fourth DC Comics-related series. However, after looking at this CBS trailer for the show, I wouldn’t call Supergirl CW-worthy. Heck, I wouldn’t even think it would make the cut as a decent Lifetime Movie Network original series. CBS made Supergirl seem like a rom-com mixed with The Devil Wears Prada. It just left me thinking, oh my God, what did they do? (Thankfully, the Global trailer embedded above is better, but some of the other flaws in the CBS trailer are still present.)

The promos give the impression that Supergirl will be a really awkward, clumsy hour of TV, and I genuinely hope the series will be better than that. I have reason to be hopeful, though. As you may know, the pilot leaked online earlier this year. The folks at Io9 took a peek and assured us that the show is significantly better than we might think. I honestly hope they’re right because what I’ve seen so far is disappointing.

Minority Report — Mondays at 9 p.m.

Global pieced together a really crappy 30-second promo (embedded above) for Minority Report, and just by going with it you’d probably have no idea what the show is about. I missed out on the film that the show’s based on, and from the trailer all I got was a barrage of action sequences, some guy claiming to see things before they happen and some futuristic nonsense.

The two-minute-long trailer, which isn’t so much a trailer as much as it is a video of the cast and the crew simply chatting about the series, makes things a bit clearer. The funny thing about what I’ve seen of this show is that it’s obvious that they filmed it in Toronto, but they didn’t do much to cover it up.

Chicago Med — Tuesdays at 7 p.m.

After Chicago Fire managed to get itself a spinoff in the form of Chicago PD after one season on the air, you should’ve known Chicago Med would be coming at you faster than a divorce lawyer running to get new business cards after the Ashley Madison hack — and it shows. The mere idea of thought and just good script writing seems to be nonexistent here.

If you haven’t already, stop everything and watch the clip above. It’s in the realm of so bad it’s good and how the hell did this get on TV?

The trailer has many soon-to-be-classic lines like, “We need to lock down the ER. No one in or out,” “Do you want to live, Jim?!” “You can’t make us stay. I got the right to leave,” “Who the hell are you?!” “Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you to clear out,” “Anybody who goes in there will be exposed to the contagion” and “Open up the ER.” Isn’t that quite imaginative dialogue?

Ugh. This is one of the TV shows that makes you embarrassed for everyone involved.

Limitless — Tuesday at 10 p.m.

Yay for completely unnecessary TV shows based on movies that I didn’t bother to see! Global has two on their schedule, and this one is from CBS. Limitless reminds me of Unforgettable, that show that seems to get repeatedly cancelled and resurrected for whatever reason. Both shows focus on a main character that has an extraordinary memory, but the main character on Limitless takes a drug to enhance his memory. Hurray for big pharma.

Heartbreaker — Wednesdays at 9 p.m.

You won’t be seeing this thing this fall because star Melissa George is having a baby! NBC has moved the show to midseason, and of course that means Global will as well. That kid is going to have a lot of explaining to do to TV execs around the world when he or she finally gets here.

Heroes Reborn — Thursdays at 8 p.m.

Let’s rewind to 2006. NBC was in quite a slump and the network slipped in a little show called Heroes onto its schedule. No one really expected the thing to become a big hit, but it was, and it became one of the most talked about shows of the season. As time went on the show got overly complicated, interest died down and NBC gave it the axe by the end of its fourth season.

For whatever reason, NBC decided that now would be a good time to reboot it, just as everyone has finally gotten the sour taste of the last two seasons of Heroes out of their mouths. It’s not like it really matters because it probably won’t survive the season having to go up against football and The Big Bang Theory.

Oh, right, NBC is marketing this thing as “an epic 13-episode event series,” so that when they cancel it, they can just say it was intended to be a mini-series to save face. Really weak, guys.

Angel from Hell — Fridays at 8 p.m.

Global’s Friday night block of sitcoms that they couldn’t bother to simulcast because they’re probably not convinced that they’ll take off, but they got the rights to anyway because they’d like to have at least one sitcom on the air to fill random half-hour holes in their schedule as they come up, starts with this import from CBS.

The premise for Angel from Hell is quite simple. (Take that Minority Report and The Romeo Section.) Jane Lynch plays a gruff guardian angel to a young-ish doctor. Boom, nailed it in a single sentence. Next!

CBS moved this show to midseason, so I guess we’ll be seeing it on Global then.

Truth Be Told — Fridays at 8:30 p.m.

You might remember that this show was called People Are Talking before someone swapped the name to the equally awkward Truth Be Told, but actually, there’s more of a chance that you don’t remember it at all. Global doesn’t even have a trailer for this thing up on its site, but I was able to track down the NBC trailer online via IGN (because NBC decided it wanted to make my life difficult and not make the trailer available to Canadians).

After checking it out, I can see why Global forgot to put up a trailer online. The show looks completely forgettable, and it might actually be more suited to ABC Family/ABC Spark than NBC/Global. So, Truth Be Told, People Are Talking or whatever it’s called doesn’t really matter because we’ll likely be calling it cancelled by the end of the season.

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